are your new year’s resolutions realistic?

Look, I get it. January 1st conjures feelings of rejuvenation, a new beginning, the pressing of a reset button so to speak. But really, January 1st is just the beginning to another month/year – don’t get your panties in a twist about it. Nonetheless, the masses feel that New Year’s is prime time to set new goals & have an all-around “fresh start.”

But did you know that, while many people shout their New Year’s resolutions from the mountaintops, only approximately 8% actually follow through & achieve them? Sad, right? So in order to not be part of that 8%, and if you feel the burning need to make resolutions, let’s talk about how to make realistic, achievable goals for 2016.

The primary issue that many people run into regarding goal-setting is creating one meteoric milestone. This is easily fixed! Setting small, easily-accomplished goals that ultimately accumulate to some larger objective is the way to go! *whoa, this makes so much sense! How come I’ve never thought of this before..?* In order to do this, we shall explore some stereotypical categories of resolutions below:

Health & Fitness

Exercise – Let’s say that you want to run a 10k during 2016! Start your training by committing to walking/running one mile per day, three days per week. Gradually working up to your goal of running 6.1 miles in a race is not only a more healthful way to train your body, but also a more effective way in which to train your brain to like exercise. This small commitment will get you where you want to go, as long as you’re willing to stick with it.

Food – So your goal is to lose fifteen pounds by a certain date or event (i.e., your ex’s wedding where you need to look fabulous, or fitting into that bikini for your cruise in June). Some simple tips & tricks are:

1. DRINK LESS – booze is a bitch.
2. Eat mostly plant material with every meal – they fill you up, & are great for you!
3. Count ingredients rather than calories – the more ingredients you add into your meal, the more grams of all that bad stuff you’re adding in.
4. If you feel like you simply must participate in a cleanse/detox, here are some healthful ways to do so (but that actually contain food): http://greatist.com/health/new-year-detox-recipes

Simply vague personal growth

• Now I personally hate hearing this, but meditation is critical to living a calm & balanced life. Life is stressful, & taking fifteen minutes out of your day (probs the end) to de-stress will change your life.
• I know you think that you can do everything (I know I certainly do), but in reality, YOU CAN’T. Choosing what’s really important in your life & prioritising them will alter your stress level & probably make you sleep better at night.
• And on that note, do your absolute best to get a good night’s sleep. I know this sounds idiotic, & often impossible for many people, but sleep is crucial to your health. Try your very best to replenish yourself with sleep; go to bed early for God’s sake! Skip going out one extra night a week & just hit the hay.
• Possibly the most important thing you can do: just let it go. This also seems kind of like a no-brainer, but this can be really difficult for people. Realising what you do & do not have control over in your daily life will positively affect your overall health & personal growth.

Playtime

Playtime is super important to your health & well-being! Most working professionals do not feel it all too important to make time for this, but it’s the best thing that you can do for yourself. Here are some easy ways to incorporate play into your life:

• Set aside some time to do absolutely nothing. Sit down & relax! Watch Netflix! Drink a cup of coffee on the porch! Take a goddamn nap!
• Go on dates with randos or your significant other if you have one!
• Create a happy playlist for yourself, & actually listen to it. Music has been proven to deeply effect your mood, so go make yourself happy!

So, in summation, basically don’t try to do everything at once. In 2016, try setting small, achievable goals, & work yourself up to your milestones on a realistic timeline. Oh, &

 

jesus was born in march & oil doesn’t really burn.

After Google-ing simply the phrase “after Christmas,” the following is what was pulled from the digital multiverse:

Now isn’t that just slightly ridiculous? It’s no secret that our laissez-faire approach to life & the economy has created a culture in which the sale is God, but isn’t Christmas supposed to be about more than that? And even going beyond just Christmas into Chanukah as well (which sometimes runs through Christmas), the holiday season has taken on new meaning as a time to celebrate the injection of money into the economy, rather than a celebration of love & family.

As a Jew, I find the whole consumer culture of Christmas to be a bit overwhelming, what with all the painfully cheery music, the annoying Santas on every street corner, & the fact that Costco starts selling Christmas paraphernalia in August. Us Jews get stuck with the one gel menorah slapped on the window as an afterthought decoration, while Christians the country wide are celebrated for their faith with special flowers, trees by the yard, unnecessary tinsel (that’s a choking hazard), & light-up reindeer that are not even identified as the proper sex (yeah, Rudolph, I’m talkin’ to you).

It’s just sad to think how easily we forget the true meaning of the holiday season. Instead of celebrating (in the Christian tradition) the birth of Christ, or (in the Jewish tradition) the miracle that was one night’s worth of oil burning for eight nights following victory in the Maccabean Revolt, this time of year has become an endless void of consumption & near-meaningless gift giving.

Now, despite the fact that Jesus was born in March & that there is no physically possible way in which such a small amount of oil could burn for eight long nights, the holiday season is the most significant time of our calendar. So on this Christmas night, please remember to spread the love, & spend time with those you cherish, & celebrate this wonderful time of year for all the right reasons.

Happy Holidays!

are you, like, actually motivated?

Who has thumbs & three years of working experience in Social Media Marketing in the Health & Fitness Industry? This girl!

As the resident aficionado of all things Social Media (#ImAMillennialDuh) in my former place of employment, I was basically co-in charge of selecting & scheduling the dumb motivational (among other promotional) posts that were presented to the membership community via Facebook, Instagram, & Pinterest (aka waaay too much responsibility to give an eighteen-year-old, even despite my old soul & obvious marketing acuity).

From September 2012 through August 2015, I comprehensively spent countless hours restlessly scouring the Internet for these idiotic “motivational” posts, such as the following:

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Ugh this is absolutely dreadful. If this kind of shit motivates you, then I’m sorry, I just don’t think that I can understand you #no offense. If merely telling you that “you are enough” *obviously said in a tone that evokes an ephemeral, fleeting sense of whimsy* is what gets you up on that horse, then you clearly do not require the external affirmation that these little glimmers of serenity & encouragement so claim to provide.

I’m just– I don’t like a fair amount of the messages that these images press. While in most cases the text itself presents a mediocre phrase of encouragement, oftentimes the images upon which this text is applied act as a type of put-down. My former employer used to tell me that the majority of people that walk into a gym are either scared or angry; they’ve either been told that they need to improve their health rather die, or they’re frustrated with their current health strategy. Case in point: if you were an individual that was told by a doctor that you needed to lose x amount of weight in order to stave off diabetes, is this the image that you would want to see?:

Hell to the no. I take it that this would not “motivate” you. Chickie does not look like that in real life. No one does! #photoshop. In reality, this is just not motivating. These “motivational” images merely perpetuate the stereotype of the perfect, healthful woman. But this is not the image that a gym-goer should necessarily seek! This is a representation of a size 00 model that didn’t eat for the three days before taking this photograph in order to look “fit” & “healthful” & “ideal.” I’m sickened.

But now, on a completely different note, I do (clearly) hate to say it, but having to subject myself to endlessly surviving these little treasures actually did provide me with some actual applicable skills that translate into the real working world.  It’s quite regrettable, actually, that this is the route through which I had to acquire these skills, but hey, you can’t help who you are at nineteen, & what your industry requires of you sometimes.

Boy did it hurt for those three years, & I sure as hell stopped when I was DONE.

I kind of hate myself for setting this sad, low self-esteem attracting precedent for the next sap that took over this fiasco of a Social Media account after I blew that popsicle stand left my position diplomatically a few months back.

People Magazine’s 25 Most Intriguing (Famous) People

As reported by my all time favourite bashing/truth-telling site ever, The Betches, People Magazine has released their 25 most intriguing (famous) people of 2015. And in the true fashion of a well-rounded critic like myself, I’m going to so graciously impart you with my opinions on each and every individual!

Ready? Okay. Here we go:

#1 – Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer’s rise to fame over 2015 is comparable only to the speed with which Caitlyn Jenner’s non-biological children turned on her. With her hilarious performance in Trainwreck, her shocking activism regarding gun control (because who would ever think that a cute, funny, sassy actress would have a brain & opinions on topics that actually matter!?!?), & her unreal hosting of SNL, Schumer earned her #1 spot as one to watch in 2016 & beyond.

#2 – Chris Pratt

O, my beloved bumbling Andy Dwyer has risen from the ashes of Mouse Rat & become one of the HOTTEST actors gracing the screens in 2015. From his days as Bright Abbott on Everwood, to the asshole Fletcher in Bride Wars, and finally to the badass raptor trainer Owen, Pratt never ceases to amaze us with his goofy charm & recently discovered abs.

#3 – Taylor Swift

no.

#4 & 5 – Michelle & Barack Obama

FLOTUS & POTUS. Their cuteness (& role as the most powerful couple in the United States) demands your respect.

#6 – Melissa McCarthy

Sookie St. James has finally been recognised! As the most hilarious & underrated character on the epic (& soon to be returning?) Gilmore Girls, McCarthy has certainly worked her way up to her place in the sun. Megan from Bridesmaids deserves this honour. Even though she puts her husband Ben Falcone in all her movies…

#7 – Tracy Morgan

Poor lil Tracy had quite a year. Self-reporting to ABC that he does not remember anything of what happened the night of his now famed car crash on 7 June 2014, Morgan’s story has been deemed a mystery. Surviving broken bones, a brain injury, & an eight-day coma, Morgan has proven to be truly intriguing.

#8 – Taraji P. Henson

Sassmaster Cookie from Empire made the list! This Oscar/Emmy nominated actress has led a very interesting life. Hopefully by making this list, more people will learn about her past & determination as an actress.

#9 – Anthony Sadler, Spencer Stone, & Alek Skarlatos

U.S. Airman First Class Spencer Stone, who repeatedly gets stabbed, along with Anthony Sadler & Army National Guard Spc. Alek Skarlatos, & two others received France’s highest recognition, the Legion of Honour, in 2015 for famously stopping a gunman from attacking passengers on a train from Amsterdam to Paris. True heroes.

#10 – Caitlyn Jenner & family

From left: random dude, Mason Disick, The Lord, Khloé Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, P Disick, Kendall Jenner, Caitlyn Jenner, Reign (why?) Disick, Kris Jenner, Cory whatshisface, North West (still not over it), Kim Kardashian West, Kanye West (what did you get yourself into, man?), Tyga, Kylie Jenner. #WheresRob? Nuff said.

#11 – Adele

Hello? Goodbye.

#12 – Jennifer Lawrence

Goddess of film & lip-syncing.

#13 – Shonda Rhimes

Goddess of hospitals & crime scenes.

#14 – Leah Remini

Stacey Carosi has renounced Scientology! After thirty years as a devout Scientologist, Remini turned her back on this ridiculous “religion,” as is outlined in her book that she spent the year promoting Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology.

#15 – Prince George & Princess Charlotte

Words are unnecessary.

#16 – Pope Francis

Okay, we needed a Pope that thumbs ups people. And takes selfies. And is, like, actually progressive. What a concept. Pope Francis made some groundbreaking statements throughout 2015, most notably his stance on homosexuality, stating that: “If someone is gay and searching for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” Pope Francis is truly one of the most influential leaders of our time. Keep at it, Francey!

#17 – Bindi Irwin

Never forget.

#18 – James Corden

James Corden, though he has been acting since 1996, exploded in 2015. From his role as the Baker opposite Emily Blunt in Into the Woods to his Carpool Karaoke series (https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZ1f3amS4y1ffYEhGZDtawaEyRQQu69Bw), we’re sure to see some amazing things from Corden.

#19 – Lin Manuel Miranda

Creator & star of Broadway musicals In the Heights & Hamilton caused a riot throughout the musical theatre squad at the end of this year – Charitybuzz.com is offering theatre fans a chance to see Hamilton, followed by a backstage tour & meet-and-greet with Miranda for $42,500! Crazy!

#20 & 21 – Blake Shelton & Gwen Stefani

I mean…a picture’s worth a thousand words, right?

#22 – Jennifer Garner

Agent Sydney Bristow had quite a year, didn’t she? From finally getting highlights for her Capital One commercials to leaving her idiot husband “Batman,” Garner has spent 2015 in the media more than ever before. 2016 should bring us some certainly intriguing divorce gossip, huh?

#23 – David Beckham

*dead*

#24 – Misty Copeland

2015 ushered in dramatic progress for the world of dance. Misty Copeland, 33, made history when she was named the first African American Female Principal Dancer with the prestigious American Ballet Theatre. Go Misty!

#25 – Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon, one of the many heroes of Weekend Update & half of the Barry Gibb Talk Show, took over The Tonight Show in 2015! And did it go well? Some say yes. While we sit back & lick our wounds over the possible loss of a great comic, let us remember the good ol’ days: http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/donnies-party/n36921

 

millennial, shmillennial.

May I just take a moment to rant? Nope? Sorry, but you’re just gonna have to deal. kthanks.

I stumbled across the following image as I was dutifully updating my LinkedIn profile, like a good little grad student.

I think I’m a little offended?

As a millennial in the workplace, I regularly interact with Baby Boomers & Gen Xers, & while there are noticeable differences between us all, I’d like to think that we all work rather well together.

The above image is the product of a study conducted by UXC Professional Solutions (UXCPS), a company that provides:

traditional consulting services with a healthy adoption of emerging technologies to support [their] customers’ market position today to enable them for tomorrow.

Now, to me, this sounds like a bit of a stretch. This supposed “healthy adoption” of technologies sounds rather like a red flag for a company operating in the present digital landscape. Baby boomers (born <1963), Gen Xers (born 1963-1980), & to an extent even Millennials (born 1980-1995), have a paper mindset & are forced to cope with this electronic world.

Newsflash: we live in a digital world. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE. Nor should this be at all a shock to the system. Therefore, I find this “adoption” of technologies to be a rather lackluster term for the contemporary information society.

UXCPS led the study (of 1200 workers across different generations) that yielded the results portrayed in this image, which revealed that (shocker) BBs rank in the 4th percentile for tech savviness, and Gen Xers rank in the 18th percentile, while Millennials rank in the 78th percentile for tech savviness, making this latter generation (us!) possibly the most valuable asset to this developing electronic coping mechanism. This, sadly, is the only element in which our generation prevails (is that a sad testament to our [lack of] budding professionalism?).

This study also reveals that Baby Boomers have an overwhelming executive presence (what a concept! Older people with more business experience as the bosses? Whoa.), as well as are the leaders of the pack regarding cost effectiveness (individuals/children of Depression-era penny pinchers much?) BBs tend to only show a lack of finesse in the aforementioned tech savviness & the newly important field of professional adaptability. UXCPS is telling us that this generation is rigid and would rather work alone. What endearing qualities in a boss.

Gen Xers on the other hand seemingly rock at problem solving, relationship building, collaboration, & the all-important field of revenue generation. This study basically bashed them for having managerial skills, but not being old enough to utilise those skills to have a larger executive presence (because all middle-aged people like being called out at work for not reaching their career potential by a certain age, good).

And then it’s us Millennials. Oh, don’t we always get the short end of the stick? UXCPS reports that we suck in basically all categories of this study, ranking in the lowest respective percentile in five of the eight strengths reviewed. This study berates us for being “lazy, unproductive, [&] self-obsessed,” which are supposedly indicative of our qualities of perpetual teenagerness. Which, shockingly, isn’t all that weird! I don’t know about you, but, as a millennial, I was a teenager four short years ago, and, still living at home, I sure feel like one from time to time!

At the same time, UXCPS calls us members of an “enthusiastic, entrepreneurial, opportunistic” generation, which is nice to hear after we’ve been torn down to harshly by the man.

Bringing my rant to a close, I would like to call all millennials to action. Hopefully this article on how our bosses & our bosses’ bosses actually view us has lit a fire under your asses, & whips you into tip top professional shape. Alright, well that’s a lot to hope for. Let’s just hope this opens your eyes to how much everyone thinks we suck, & we can channel all that energy into creating hate for the newly named but always despised Founders generation instead of for ourselves.

i’m back, bitches. -A

Whoa! Hi there! How ya been? How’s the wife? How’s the family? Boy, are you getting taller?

It’s been damn near forever since we last met. How the hell are ya?

Since our previous engagement, Vicki & Brooks broke up, *idiotic name* West entered the world, & the Golden Globe noms have been released – what a whirlwind!

But let me just update you on the happenings of my sad little life/why this site has been dead for many moons:

• I have barely seen the light of day
• I wake up at 5AM every day so that I can get to school
• I get to school before the sun comes up
• I literally walk all the way through Westwood and am on campus before the sun comes up/before any building on campus is even unlocked
• All I do is read articles about the organisation of information & rare Bible pages found in medicine bundles in Algonquin graves
• I get home after sunset & go to sleep before 8PM in order to continue the cycle of not having a social life
• ET CETERA

Yeah. These are the elements that make up a quarter of grad school in the UC system. Well, these & the constant commuting/sleeping on public transit/concern regarding sleeping on public transit/therefore constant sleep deprivation/having my eyes perpetually glued to my computer screen.

I spent the majority of these past ten weeks doing research, composing papers, & complaining about said papers with my fellow sad people. Quite excellent papers, if I do say so myself. But let us rejoice! I just submitted my final paper of the quarter! Hallelujah. Jesus H. Christ, thank goodness this quarter has come to a close. I shall subsequently relay the wonders that are the courses that I have now completed, as well as share the joy(?) of the courses for which I am enrolled!

I’m back, bitches. -A